Bullying

I watched a TED talk about bullying by Shane Koyczan that talks about the effects of being bullied from his personal experience.  Toward the end of his speech, he performs his poem “To This Day”.  I’ve watched the video countless times and I’m still moved to tears.  His message is powerful and from the heart.  I want to share this video with you and  to help spread his message but, before I did, I also wanted to do a little research to see exactly how widespread this issue is.  As a parent, and a human being, what I found was alarming and cut me to the core.

This morning, I’ve seen the face of a promising, young singer who will never reach her dreams of fame.  I’ve seen candles lit for a beautiful young woman who threw herself in front of a train just to escape her tormenters.  I’ve seen the innocent face of a nine year old who hung himself after weeks of torment at school.  Coincidentally, he is the second youngest in Britain to commit suicide – the youngest was eight.

I have witnessed firsthand the effects of bullying with my son Keigan.  He suffered culture shock when we moved from the rural, northern part of the state to the urban, southern part of the state.  Keigan was, and still is to a degree, a country bumpkin and his peers were ruthless.  Keigan was acting out every day, being sent to the office, and even sometimes skipping school to avoid his bullies.  In spite of my attempts to teach Keigan empathy and a thick skin, words still hurt – especially when you’re little and feel all alone in a new environment.

In his speech, Shane remembers hating himself for becoming that very thing he loathed the most: a bully.  I saw this same change occur in Keigan during the seventh grade as he tried to fit in with his previous tormenters.  It was heart breaking to see my wonderful, creative, emotive boy turn into the same surly, unkind young person that I was trying so hard to protect him from.  Of course, things are different now.  At age 16, Keigan is around 6’2” and closing in on 190 pounds.  Thanks to his size, he doesn’t get teased anymore to but there’s a wall between his heart and the world.  I can only hope that he learns to lower the wall to let the right people in.

We watched Shane’s speech together and I asked Keigan for his opinion.  This is what he said to me about bullying:

“…If everyone had a better home life, and were taught to appreciate their flaws, rather than hate them, the bullying would stop…”

Trite as it may seem, the biblical expression “from the mouths of babes” has never seemed truer than it did when I heard these words come from my son’s mouth.

As parents, we all want what’s best for our children but we sometimes lose what’s sight of what’s truly best for them in our attempts to “guide them towards a happier, more fulfilling life.”  If we want this horrendous bullying, and its terrible consequences to stop, then we must start in our own households.  We have to teach our children love and compassion.  We need to teach them to take a stand not only for themselves, but also for others.  We need to learn to accept ourselves so we can teach them to do the same.  Please, watch this video with your children and encourage open dialogue about bullying.  Please encourage them to share this video with their friends and spread Shane’s powerful, important message.

M


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4 thoughts on “Bullying

  1. nadith says:

    Learning to care for yourself, and to come to appreciate the suffering others endure. It can be difficult to have so many viewpoints and perspectives, ideals and realities so tightly woven and no true common medium to explore, understand or reveal them with one another leaves for some significant friction. Perspectives are so fragile and so powerful.
    I personally and many of my friends experienced bullying and honestly it taught me a lot about the people, their reality, what matters to them, and why they are tormented and tormenting. It can be hard to be equanimous, but it is equally difficult to know someone and not feel for them, I’ve found.

    • msmchugh1 says:

      You make an excellent point here! While my son was being bullied, I always tried to point out that the other person must not be feeling great about themselves if they could treat someone else that way. Likewise, for the more aggressive tormentors, I also often tried to guide him towards considering what their home lives must be like for them to be so aggressive. Of course, he initially hated when I made these comments but now he is much more empathetic and in tune with the people around him.

      With that being said, bullying is never acceptable. I do not think this empathetic approach should be used as a means to justify or condone the behavior, but rather as a tool to better cope with it. By looking at the situation from the bully’s perspective, the target learns empathy and also tends to internalize the harassment less. At least this was the case for my son. When he started looking at his antagonizers as people who were maybe going through rough times themselves, he stopped putting all the blame on himself.

  2. nadith says:

    Personally, condone or not I never felt that was the issue. I don’t condone a trees growth, nor does it consider this to be of any importance. More I simply see it as a symptom of the person within, and their way of expressing their perspective, and opportunity to share in it. Being bullied only seems targeting or personal to the bullied, when really it is all about the bullier and how they are opening up to you. It may seem strange, but from every aspect I have been able to work on this level and it seems to help a good deal.
    I guess the idea of whether I should accept or not always seemed a bit moot. If I accept a problem, then that to me means I am not in conflict with it, which is different than to say support or construct it. Similarly if I do not accept it, that to me seems to signify a personal conflict with the situation, more than an enabling or disabling of another. In all, I would say peoples feelings against things tend to breed the very form of their malcontent.

  3. msmchugh1 says:

    Well said! That’s exactly the place where I’ve always tried to steer my son!

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